Searing
by Kasigi Omi
Summary: Remus muses on aspects of his life that are beyond his control. (slash)


Disclaimer: These characters belong to J.K. Rowling, though the basic problems they face are from my own personal life at the moment.  
  
Warning: This does have some negative views on religious Catholics.I figure anyone into slash won't mind, but still..just be warned.  
  
Archived: You can also find this story at Azkaban's Lair under the name Damien Kaziah.  
  
Dedication: To Shelendra, my beloved Sirius.  
  
Searing  
  
My life thus far has been an exercise in futility.  
  
I've been put through many things that were beyond my control. Obviously, the first one would be my lycanthropy. The most a small child could do to fight against a hungry wolf is brandish a stick, and we all know that didn't work.  
  
So, ever since I was young, there has been one aspect of my life that I could do absolutely nothing about. While children are not used to running their own lives anyway, leaving it to their parents, as I grew older and more independent this condition wore away at me, bothering me like a splinter caught just beneath the skin. One you can feel, but not remove.  
  
It was probably this that led me to the late night excursions with my friends on full moon nights while we were in school. Against my better judgement we snuck out every month and explored the surrounding area. Prongs and Padfoot were able to keep Moony under control, and that gave me some vicarious sense of victory over that aspect of myself.  
  
I had very little control over my schooling, and now I must also work to pay my way through Muggle university, as there is really nothing more I can do in the world of wizarding education.  
  
Again, control was stolen from me by my parents, who insisted that I go, even after I found my schedule draining me of my heart and spirit.  
  
How can a learning experience sap my vitality? Simply because it prevents me from indulging in my passion: writing.  
  
Classes take a good portion of the day, as does homework. Then I work, which also cuts down on my free time. Certainly there are times when I could work on my writing, but I am too tired and drained to do anything as intensive as weaving words together in any coherent way. Not to mention my nagging conscience that persists in telling me all of the other things I should be doing with my stolen time.  
  
Hence the need for mindless activities, such as watching the telly, or running around with the other Marauders. That or I read, which totally engulfs me and allows no chance for feeling guilty.  
  
So, for months now I have been having immense difficulty getting out of bed, as I just can't seem to convince myself that there is anything worth getting out of bed for.  
  
That is, until two months ago. What happened two months ago? My life, that's what.  
  
Two months ago, Sirius Black and I finally came to terms with our feelings for each other, and got involved in a relationship.  
  
And for two months, I was truly happy, at least periodically. I still had to contend with stress and all.  
  
Sirius makes my life make sense, and for a while I felt like there was something, something important, that I could help control.  
  
While this is only partially true, as I sincerely believe I had no control over my heart falling for Sirius in the first place, I could and did choose my words and methods carefully, to ensure that he fell in love with me in turn, for while I loved him at the start, he was unsure of his feelings until recently.  
  
Id didn't take long for him to voice the feelings I could tell he had played host to from the beginning, and we were very happy for a time. So happy, in fact, that we should have and did know it couldn't last.  
  
His parents found out about us.  
  
Looking at Sirius, one wouldn't know he had come from a religious and conservative family. He's too open-minded and too likely to indulge in wild behavior. But there you have it.  
  
Needless to say, they weren't happy about it. Actually, that is probably an understatement.  
  
Now I'm not allowed to visit Siri at their home, and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to visit him at his flat if they could possibly prevent it. All of our plans for this summer have been neatly disposed of, which upsets me. I had really been looking forward to those camping trips.  
  
And now Siri is having doubts about us. That is one character flaw he has- he questions everything. Though I think most of the problems he's having are based on his parent's disapproval, and not some deep-seated worry that what we are doing is wrong. He loves his parents very much.  
  
I can't blame him for wanting to step back and think things through. After all, they are helping to support him as he's only just starting out as an Auror.  
  
While I was upset from the start, I seem to be feeling particularly wretched today, as while talking to Jamie I realized there is nothing I can do.  
  
My fate, his fate, our fate, the entire future we have been planning together, it all hangs on whatever he decides to do.  
  
I've never felt so helpless. So much of my own happiness depends on something I can't control. I'm terrified.  
  
I'm so scared that I want to fall on my knees and pray before lighted candles to any deity that will listen to me. Unfortunately, it is exactly this sort of reverence that is trying to steal my heart from me.  
  
Again I am thrust into a situation that can make or break my entire being.and I am helpless..  
  
Please, Siri... don't destroy me. 


End file.
